When I get behind the wheel
and crank the music until my speakers rattle, it usually means that I need to
think. The other night was one of those nights. As much as I had on my mind,
there was a particular song that came on that caused my focus to shift elsewhere.
The song was about how
people get married and loose their spark. Things become same ole same ole and
they forget what made them fall in love in the first place. Hearing this song reminded
me of a few things. The first thing was when I was back in college and I spent roughly five months doing research
on the topic of why people choose the ones they do as partners in life. Whether
it is life long partnership, or just someone they date for a few short months-
what attracts us to certain people but not to others? Is it really all about physical
appearance at first? What happens when you are not physically attracted to
someone but you fall head over heels for who
the person is?
I chose this topic to
research because of my personal experiences in life. Just as one example, there
was someone from my past who I thought I was head over heels in love with;
looking back it wasn’t anything of the sort. He was everything I thought I was
looking for in a person, but there were pieces of the puzzle missing; we were
two very different people. I loved spending time with him, but as time passed
we grew further apart. Was it because of our differences? Maybe. But this is the point where a lot of my curiosities peeked on the topic. I think it is safe to say we all have
someone from our past that we grew apart from, or just drifted away from for no
specific reason; but doesn’t it seem odd that once you are so close to someone
(significant other or even just a friend) that it just goes away? I often
wonder if the feelings really ever go away or if people change emotionally or
physically and that is what renders the change. What was once there is never really gone, is it?
I was only given a semester
to come up with answers when I wish I would have had years to research. Overall,
it was found that in the small population of people I polled, most look for a mate who is close in
proximity (age and location), and people also tend to look for a mate with
similar interests and lifestyles as their own.
I somewhat disagree with my
own findings. In my opinion and experiences, opposites generally attract. I strongly
believe that the best relationships are the ones that balance each other. If
one person is more boisterous and outgoing, they tend to pair well with someone
who is a little more reserved. What one person lacks the other makes up for. I
am not saying that a person who grew up on the streets smoking dope and running
from the police would pair well with the valedictorian of Yale, but the little
differences in a relationship keep things interesting.
I am not an expert by any
means, and I’ve only been married for 6 years, but just drawing off personal experiences from the past and present,
it is hard to make it work with someone who is too different or too much alike.
Chances are, you will not see eye to eye on most things if you are too
different (like the personal example I gave in the beginning) and if you are
just alike, the relationship gets boring real fast and one or the other may
loose interest. So, what do you do? Try your best to find a happy medium.
When you do find what you
think is that happy medium, what makes it last? What keeps you wanting to lie
in bed next to the same person every night and wake up to their nasty morning
breath the next day? More than anything it is about balance. Your spouse is
very much a part of your life, but they don’t need to be your entire life. When
I was first married, you couldn’t get us apart. I hated to spend even one night away
from him and I would avoid doing so at all costs. I realized years
later that it is essential. Everyone needs a little brake. But again, it is about
balance. If you are lucky enough to spend a great deal of time together, remember to take time for yourself, have weekend get a ways with friends, and
just live life for yourself every now and again. On the flip side of that, if
your schedules don’t allow you to spend an ample amount of time together, make
time. If your husband is working until 11pm at night, stay up that extra hour
until he gets home to talk about your day and listen to how his day was; make a point to catch up with each other everyday. Too
much of something is never good, but sometimes lacking that specific something can be
even worse. If effort isn’t there by both people in the marriage/relationship, it will
suffer-point blank. Balance is key.
If you’ve been blessed
enough to find love, how do you keep that fire burning past infatuation? What
is a surefire way to keep love alive like you are newlyweds? The simple answer
is, you can’t. You can’t keep the fire burning for 30 years straight; you can’t
wake up every morning looking at the
one you married feeling warm and fuzzy inside. There are going to be days you
dislike each other, days that you need time apart, and days that you will
wonder how you will get through it all. You can’t keep a fire burning for eternity literally or metaphorically, but you sure can rekindle that flame every now and again. Every
couple can benefit from a little reminder of how things “used to be” and find
ways to bring back feelings from the first couple dates. Marriages take work,
but when you find the balance and have devotion to one another, it’s amazing
how easily things tend to fall into place, and after awhile, you learn to love
their nasty morning breath.
Until we meet again.
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